Angel

Every second that awaits my mind is second that thinks of being with you

As each second passes by my heart questions would it ever come true?

It’s a feeling that I cannot explain but can keep smiling thinking of it

With each talk and glimpse of you I keep getting pulled towards you bit by bit

Smile that exhales and inhales that air makes me want be next to you

They say that angels don’t exist and it’s a cruel world out there

I wish they could just breathe the same air and witness the sunshine I see

It’s you who make me believe that angels don’t need wings it’s your love that let’s be me

Serendipity

Her smile is like a breeze in your hair on an open road on a beautiful sunny day, which makes you smile just feeling it, even before it hits you.

She looks down on each embarrassing moment that she gets put into and just hopes that it never happened. Her shyness is adorable it’s like looking at a moonlit night and finding serenity in it, something you could watch for hours and still feel the lack of it. The touch of her hand is like morning glory, a kiss on her cheeks is like dew drops on your fingertips. So graceful and yet so fragile is what she is.

She laughs and her eyes lit up like a glowing candle that explores and lights up every dark corner of life. She talks as if she wants to fly like a bird in the open sky, it’s from her heart and yet she likes to be cared and protected, cherished and respected and above all loved and lived.

Her innocence and her naivety is what draws like honey to a flower, she is grounded and touches traditional aspect of being in the woman essence with panache of the current age. Gazing into her eyes is so intoxicating that you just want to reach out and hold her hand and see if she is for real or are you looking at a mirage and not let go of her ever.  To hold her close to you and so close that you can hear heart beat and she can hear yours, with utmost silence around and not having a word to say with just the moments passing by and you stand still with her hand in your hand and your lips touching her lips where your eyes are closed and your heart is smiling.

Talking to her feels like talking to someone you have known for ages, when she is not around nothing seems to be worthwhile. Your eyes long for her one glance and you find that each and every point of existence is because of her and nothing more or nothing less. It feels that all the wrongs and broken joints were for a reason and the reason is you, who stand right next to you and makes you look back and see all the dots joined in making the way to her heart.

It’s not that you have not looked back it’s just that this time when you turned your head around you came back with a smile, a smile which is just not on the face but stands next to you closing her fingers in middle of your fingers so tight that she will never let go. May be people can’t answer this but for me it will always be only thing that lead me to her and that’s Serendipity.

Once

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Nobody

When do you say that I can’t be loved by anyone,

When do you say that I can’t be for none,

When do you say that I need you,

When do you say I need to be wanted by someone,

When do you say that I will do anything for your smile to come around,

When do you say you make my world go round,

When do you say that I am nothing without you,

When do you say you are everything to me,

When do you say you are my one and only,

When do you say that I am lonely,

When do you say that your happiness is all I want,

When do you say that my happiness is in you,

When do you say that I had to hold back my tears while we walked

When do you say that I had to clear my choked throat while you talked,

When do you say that I never wanted your hand to let go

When do you say that I never wanted you to leave

When do you say that I hope it lasts a life time,

When do you say that I hope she was mine,

When do you wonder that you are somebody,

When do you realize that you are wanted by nobody,

Yesterday

Was it yesterday when I wished the day would not end,

Was it yesterday when the night seemed so bright and clear,

Was it yesterday that her touch brought the chills in the air,

Was it yesterday that holding her hand seemed just the right thing to do,

Was it yesterday that her hair smelt so aromatic,

Was it yesterday that her head leaning on my shoulder made the perfect sense,

Was it yesterday that when she breathed the same air as I,

Was it yesterday when I hugged her to keep her warm,

Was it yesterday that we talked for hours and it felt like a big burden of my soul,

Was it yesterday that we sat close, so close that I could hear her breathe,

Was it yesterday that every time she smiled it lit up the dark,

Was it yesterday that I had a smile driving back home,

Was it yesterday that I was not alone.

Diwali

I see my mum lighting up candles and in that light I miss her face, which I can only imagine that could glow like a sun in a moonlit night. I wish it was another pair of hands lighting up our life. Another heartbeat that I could hear next to me whispering in my ear that she loves me, I would not even wait for Diwali to come, as each day we may not light candles but can certainly make each other’s face glow with all the love we had, giving all that we have. I see families out in neighborhood dressed up as festivities start and here I am leaving mum alone at home leaving for work, I know she in her heart misses me, misses me being happy. It’s funny that harder you smile the more broken you seem from inside. As this Diwali goes by I just wish that in this lifetime I get to spend one with her and make her see what the world would be and how beautiful it is when she is around. That she is just not another woman but a heartbeat for us, a heartbeat we need. Wishing with all that I have and nothing more, to just come and light up our life.

She

She is the one I loved, loved with all my heart and may be heart is not all I had to give but much more may be my soul. I died when she left; a big part of me died a very painful death. Every day I am reminded of misery and pain I went through and then in the cloud of darkness the silver lining comes in with her smiling face and happy moments we shared. Even though the moments were an ounce of a life but felt like a lifetime, a lifetime of feeling loved and wanted, being desired by someone. The beauty of love is so undefined that it carries many a lifetimes and so many of us to figure out that was it us or was it love that moved their position in our life. The road ahead is long and so many crossroads that I miss a hand walking with me, I still keep my fingers open of where her fingers use to close on mine. I walk ahead and lead the shadow that trails thinking that it’s her walking with me. I hope it never rains so I don't lose my sunshine! Walk by me my love.

Pay it forward

I had lots of pain, anger and anguish in me when I started to write this. I was angry at her and for what she did and had put me through. Wounds so deep that my blood use to boil just thinking of what I went through, my skin use to crawl just knowing someone is still doing it to me. Then I came across a kid who taught me the most important lesson in life “Pay it forward”. It’s not complicated its simple; all you need to do is do one good deed, it does not matter if it is random or a planned one. Just go out and do it, help someone who is not expecting any help and don’t expect it to return, just ask the person you did it for to pay it forward to someone else. So if everyone does it, then the world would be a better place and believe me when I say this that it is going to come around to you, as your life is goes in a circle, all you need to do is have faith and pay it forward and the circle of life will come back to you.

I forgive the love that caused me the pain, I forgive people who ridiculed me, I forgive people who had hurt my family and I forgive everyone who has ever been a reason for sadness for me. Irrespective of what I went through I forgive you. I am being selfish here as I know I am not perfect by a mile and I will make mistakes and hurt people and do things that will cause them pain and anger but if I can’t forgive people who do that to me then who am I to expect the same in return.

We all carry scars in life, some are hidden and some are too big to hide. Scars are only given people who are close to our hearts and little did we know that they were carrying a knife with them only to cut you deep. Who has not done it, who has not made a mistake, who are we not to forgive, who are we to judge, we are nobody. Just go ahead and put your hand someone else’s scars and ask them to do the same not to you but for someone else. Believe me the joy of life is in giving.

As the circle completes, you will turn back and see the hand of someone, someone you would know and someone you would love on your scar just healing it. It may also happen that it takes too long or it might never come back to you does that mean you will not pay it forward, no you should because as life goes on you will either be a giver or a receiver, if you are giver of good deeds then you are blessed and if you are receiver, only pray that you are a receiver of that hand that heals your soul.

I forgive you now go and pay it forward do a good deed for someone else. Heal your scars.

The Empty Side

I miss her. I miss her sleeping on my left arm and saying goodnight to her. I miss looking into her eyes as we dived into deep sleep. I never felt uncomfortable or irritated because of this; I just took it as my left side was for her to sleep on it. I miss her arm around me, the one who takes the blanket off and then once I started to shiver puts it back on me. I take turns at night now only to realize that I have no one to put the blanket on me and my left arm is of no use.

I use to sing to her while we drove, there are just too many songs that were so called “Our Songs” I use to act funny or at least try to make faces while use to mime those songs to her, she use to just crack up laughing. I miss that, now all I have loneliness as I gaze into it and its funny how that hollowness starts to gaze back at you. I use to take her hand and change gears while I drove; it was just too romantic though we were seated separately but were together at the same time. I miss her on the left seat of my car. Now there are times when I just stop and look on the left hand side of my car and just wish that she was seated there.

I feel hollow inside now because both sides are empty sides.

Hope Floats

As we grow old in life, we end up losing things. We only realize it once they are taken away from us. Last one year has been a deciding phase in my life in too many perspectives. I have loved and lost and lost heavily. I shattered my soul in ways that I can’t even begin to start picking up the pieces. I have hurt people in ways that I can only pray and hope that they have the heart to forgive me sometime in their lifetime. I have brought in tears in eyes of the people who loved me the most and I just chased them away. It hurts to even think that something of this sort has taken place, we all witness such things happening to others and never realize that one day it could be us.

The question we ask all the time is “why me” & “what did I do wrong”. We all know what went wrong it just too hard to point a finger at oneself. I am just dying inside to see such a state of events but then who is to be blamed but me; I wish things were different, I wish I had someone I could call mine, someone who holds me close to her and tells me how madly she loves me, someone who kisses me and tells me how important I am in her life, someone who holds my hand and tells me I am her world. I had someone like that, someone so close to my heart that I could not see beyond her, now when she is gone I can’t see anything. Where would you go and who would you turn to if the only person who stops you from crying makes you cry?

It’s strange to find hope at such unexpected avenues that you are astounded by the response you get. I have had people who have just held on to me and not let me fall down. They offered me a shoulder to cry on and I needed that. I was told that I am amazing, humble, generous, funny and full of life, I was given example of my mom who is true image of being strong and fight for survival and never ever give up. They have called me, messaged me, emailed me and met me to make sure that their friend or brother was not alone. I still find myself alone because once they are gone, they start living their life and I am still gazing at horizon wondering that does it ever meet?

I hope for sunshine, I hope for rain, I hope for smile, I hope for love and I hope to live once again.

I am clinging on to hope and hope is a good thing and remember good thing never dies. Hope floats!

A Different Life.

I remember her as vividly as I remember my life that goes by everyday. Each day I wonder what would she be doing and would she be still thinking about me? Would she miss me as I miss her, would she have tears like I do everyday? Would she miss living her life with me as I do with her? Would she be wanting to be with me as I do? Would she still try to find me in each song that comes on or a movie being played on TV? Would she spend sometime alone and go through things that we gave each other and try to hold on to them so that at least if not we be together physically but somewhere still be connected?

Life goes on at a pace where there is no time for anyone else but it seems my life stopped right there when her hand left my soul. I am still standing at the crossroads of my life where she left me, waiting for her to come back someday, before I go to sleep for one last time.

I wonder if she is still loving me the way I do? Somehow I know she does.

Intrigue and Love

“I’m not frightened. I’m not frightened of anything.

The more I suffer, the more I love.

Danger will only increase my love.

It will sharpen it, forgive its vice. I will be the only angel you need.

You will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it.

Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love.”