Time: 10:31pm, Date: February 3, 2010, Place: Alone in my Room
After the fear of death I guess this is the biggest fear any one of us dreads to face. Have we ever wondered that what is it about being lonely that we fear or is it just about what we have heard and seen happening to others when they were lonely? I am a very extrovert kind of a guy, the one who can crack a conversation with anyone, comfortable with any kind of audience, heartbeat of a party and so on. I know a lot of people and I guess that is where it ends, I just know them. The question I need to ask myself is do they know me? I guess not as much as I would want them to know about me, why? We all draw boundaries, to contain anyone who we wish should know just as much, some people cross them because we want them to, some come and then they leave or go back to what they were, some stay.
I am lonely and I accept it, now the question is why? I chose to be. Question is how? By choosing people who I wish to enter in my life and somehow they can’t or are not present as much as I would have wanted them to. I can easily choose to have loads of people around me but I would still be lonely, that is the worst thing to feel, alone in a crowd. I have felt it too many a times; it’s hard to make it out though by just looking at me.
I am in love with people who I can’t have or at least I wish that they were here with me all the time but they are not. I felt lonely when I was crying and had no shoulder to hold onto, when I smiled and no one to share it with. It’s so strange to be known by so many people and yet be so lonely. There are times when I want to cry out loud and say I am lonely and I need you, please come to me and take me in your arms.
I miss my brother, we are not close in traditional terms but if there is someone in the whole wide world I would close my eyes on he is one of them. I miss his presence, I miss his smile, I miss his stupid arguments, I miss his comments, I miss his voice, I miss his guidance, I miss his support and I miss living with him. I might not be able to say “I love you” to him ever but the bond we share does not require only this, it has much more to it. I guess in a much unspoken way we are connected somehow and someway. I just pray that it remains the same.
I miss that special someone who I love so deeply and passionately, I miss talking to her, I miss kissing her, I miss looking at her, I miss touching her, I miss holding her hand, I miss walking together, I miss telling her how beautiful she is. I just breathe now, breathing with her was living life and I guess I miss living my life. Oh how I wish that I have everyone that I crave for to just come together and be with me.
I just pray that in my loneliness I either end up finding something to live for or great enough to die for.